I read books on parenting. I research parenting and the effects of different discipline models. I read and research on personal growth. I know and understand that in order to be the best parent I can be I need to work on myself. I need self-control. I need self-actualization. I read the scriptures, pray and fast that I would become who He wants me to become. I use essential oils, mediation, yoga and breathing techniques which I teach the kids as well. I am "doing" all the right things to learn.
But yet I have times when I yell. I have times when I loose it like my 2 year old and I have to go lock myself in my room. There were times when I was too tired from getting 20 minute naps between infant feedings that I would throw down another mattress protector for the baby instead of changing the wet sheets. There are times I have had it with the bickering and I tell them to go fight it out. There are times I hear bad talk but I don't do anything because I am exhausted from talking. There are times my mouth spews out nasty stuff I wish I could take back instantly. I have sent a hurt child away with a cold shoulder because I have already kissed 5 other "boo boos". I have taken my children out with no shoes because we couldn't find them and I didn't have time.
Obviously, there have been times when I have done the exact opposite of what I "should" have done. I could get caught up in the times that I have failed, but what I have realized is that those moments (as awful as some of them have been) do not make up the whole. They are just that...moments. We are not expected to go through life perfect. We learn our biggest lessons from our mistakes. It is good for our children to see us mess up, to see us human. It is good for them to see us humble ourselves and apologize when we have done wrong. Those are teaching moments.
Sure, I could get depressed and cry for days. I have done that. If I really screw up I go take a moment, cry my eyes out if I need to, hit my knees to the ground and beg and plead for forgiveness. I beg and plead that I can do better. Then I re-emerge from my bedroom and say I'm sorry. Then I move on. Being a mother is hard. We are pushed beyond our limits physically, emotionally and psychologically. We have sacrificed (especially our bodies). We tend to think of others before our own needs (How many times have you fed your kids but forgot to eat?)
The point is I try my hardest. I have the intent of being the best mother and the truth is I am the best mother...for my children. Shortcomings and all. There is a reason we are all together and I need to trust Heavenly Father. I have failing moments, but as long as I keep trying my best and keep actually caring about how my children are being raised I would say I am succeeding.